Clients often ask me if they can do therapy even if they can’t remember their childhood. The answer is absolutely yes. Historically, psychotherapy emphasized remembering traumatic memories. However, what we have known for some time, and what has become more of the industry standard, is that you don’t need to remember a single thing to heal. Why is that?
The reason you don’t need to remember is because the memory is not the point. The point is that you are feeling something in your body because of the memory. When you see a symbol of that memory (whether you remember it or not), you get “triggered,” which means you re-experience the memory in your body without necessarily seeing the image that goes with the memory. The truth is, it is not necessary to see the image. Everything we really need to know about the memory is activated in your body.
Traumatic wounding memories are both relevant in the here and now and also not relevant. These memories are relevant because they taught us something about the world and how things can be dangerous or harmful. They are not so relevant now because often we are no longer in the environment where those memories were formed. Often, those memories were formed when we were children, or long before we came to therapy, and our lives are quite different now.
The body and behavioral reactions we had back then when the memories were being formed were adaptive reactions. They were important and necessary changes happening in our bodies and minds to meet the difficulty we were facing. It’s not that we don’t have difficulties in our lives now, but we have different difficulties than we had back then. If we are not adapting to the current difficulties and instead are adapting to the past difficulties, then we are not really helping ourselves anymore.
So even without the image of the memory, we have everything we need right here, right now. What we need to know is how you feel in your body, the thoughts you have that go with that feeling, and any impulsive behaviors that occur because of the body feeling and the thoughts. Then we can address those things—body, mind, behavior—and work towards transforming old adaptations into more appropriate new ones.
If you’re thinking of coming to therapy but are concerned that you can’t remember anything from the past, or you’re worried that the therapist will try to make you remember things you’d rather keep in the shadows, I am writing to tell you that not remembering is not a problem. There is no need to rummage around in the past to find those memories in order to heal. You have everything you need in the here and now. The pain you’re feeling does not need to become bigger or more complicated for you to start moving in the healthy direction you desire.
