The Problem with “Just think happy thoughts”
Hearing the advice to “just think happy thoughts” is a common frustration for me and many others. Despite the growing popularity of shadow work and the understanding that embracing nuanced thinking is more realistic and helpful, people expressing negative emotions are still often met with directives to ignore their feelings.
Positive thinking certainly has its place, but it also has a dark side that can create distance between people. Here are some reasons why people might lean towards this shadow side:
Someone might raise emotional issues that make the listener feel inadequate or out of their depth.
Those advocating for positive thinking might avoid negative emotions themselves and dismiss the person in pain with overly cheery advice.
Individuals skilled at sidestepping their own feelings through positivity might feel superior when encountering someone in pain, enhancing their ability to avoid emotional engagement.
While positivity can be helpful, it shouldn’t be used to invalidate or dismiss the genuine feelings and experiences of others. The repercussions of receiving misplaced positivity can include feelings of inadequacy, disconnection, dismissal, gaslighting, and even disdain towards the advisor.
What is a Belief?
Beliefs aren’t just thoughts in our heads; they manifest as bodily events. They can develop over time from everyday experiences or from significant traumas. For instance, growing up in a mildly emotionally abusive environment shapes certain beliefs, while a single traumatic event can lead to entirely different ones.
Both gradual and sudden wounds trigger sensations in the body that influence our thoughts and behaviors. So when someone says, “I feel like I’m not enough,” that feeling originates deep within their body, with the words being merely a surface expression. Therefore, reassuring them (“Of course you’re enough”) won’t necessarily change how they feel, as it overlooks the profound nature of beliefs.
Memory Reconsolidation
In somatic and experiential therapies, we use memory reconsolidation to create conditions that support genuine changes in belief systems. This process involves recalling a memory and updating it with new information before re-storing it, which can reduce the impact of negative or traumatic experiences.
Therapists skilled in memory reconsolidation must be able to sit with a client’s pain and help them discover the “missing experience” that initially shaped their limiting belief. For example, a child who experiences the abandonment of a parent may internalize feelings of grief and fear, leading them to conclude, “I’m not enough” because they missed the experience of having a dedicated present parent. This belief can profoundly shape their worldview and influence their actions.
One of the greatest challenges with limiting beliefs is that they color a person’s entire perspective, often leading them to unknowingly seek out situations that confirm these beliefs. This tendency arises because it’s easier to believe the problem lies within oneself, something one can potentially control. For instance, if someone believes they’re inadequate, they might strive to become “enough” to avoid further abandonment or retreat to conserve energy.
While both responses to limiting beliefs can alleviate anxiety and be adaptive in uncontrollable situations, these beliefs may no longer serve us as adults. Encouraging someone to simply adopt positive beliefs overlooks the fact that beliefs are deeply rooted in bodily sensations and behaviors beyond conscious control.
How to Change Beliefs
In therapy, our goal is to help individuals shed limiting beliefs. While well-meaning individuals may advise us to “think happy thoughts,” our approach through memory reconsolidation aims to achieve the same goal indirectly. Rather than confronting beliefs head-on, we help clients explore their origins, whether through specific memories or current bodily sensations. While some beliefs may shift in a single session, dismantling strong limiting belief systems often requires multiple sessions of therapeutic exploration and insight.
Navigating the complexities of belief systems requires more than superficial positivity or quick fixes. It demands a deep understanding of how beliefs are woven into our bodily experiences and behaviors. By using approaches like memory reconsolidation in therapy, we create the conditions for genuine change, addressing the roots of limiting beliefs with compassion and insight. Together, we create a healing environment that honors the depth of human experience, helping individuals reclaim agency over their narratives and move towards greater authenticity and resilience.
