Many of us believe we are good listeners. But listening is a skill, not an innate ability. It requires intentional learning and practice.
The Skill of Listening
Good listening is scarce. Every day in the office, clients discuss their feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Our loneliness is partly due to the structure of modern life. It’s also because we fail to connect with each other fully.
Listening well is not just important for the person being heard—it’s also important for us as listeners. When we listen to others, they are more likely to listen to us in return. Even if they don’t, good listening helps us better understand the inner world of others. This allows us to make better decisions in our relationships and our lives.
Listening and Therapy
In therapy, listening is the foundation of change. Outside of a client’s readiness, the most important factor in therapy is rapport. Listening is the primary way to build rapport.
Clients can feel significant relief simply from someone intently listening to them. Therapists listen to understand the client’s perspective. We use reflective statements and summaries to confirm they are “getting it.” Phrases like “Am I understanding that correctly?” help verify that the therapist and client are on the same page.
This process is not just about hearing words; it’s about focusing attention fully on someone else’s story. Listening without interruption requires effort. When I listen, I often notice my own experiences or thoughts bubbling up. It takes practice to set those aside and focus on the other person.
When I succeed, I’m often surprised. I may think I know where the person is heading. By listening fully, I uncover perspectives I hadn’t considered. These moments motivate me to keep practicing good listening.
Why Listening Is Hard
Julian Treasure, a listening expert and author of How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening, defines listening as “making meaning from sound.” He explains that listening is a mental process involving three automatic brain actions:
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Pattern Recognition: Picking out meaningful sounds, like hearing your name in a noisy room.
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Differencing: Filtering out unchanging background sounds.
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Filters: Unconscious biases and preferences that shape what we pay attention to.
These processes help us listen efficiently. They also mean we’re not always listening fully. The good news is that listening can improve with practice. Treasure offers five exercises to sharpen listening skills:
Five Exercises to Improve Listening
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Silence
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Objective: Reset and recalibrate your ears.
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Practice: Spend three minutes a day in complete silence or as close to silence as possible. If absolute silence is unattainable, seek out the quietest environment you can find.
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Benefits:
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Gives your auditory system a break from constant noise.
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Helps you become more sensitive to quieter sounds.
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Enhances overall listening acuity by resetting your baseline hearing.
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The Mixer
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Objective: Improve your ability to differentiate sounds in a noisy environment.
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Practice: In a noisy setting, such as a coffee shop, focus on identifying as many distinct sounds as possible—conversations, background music, clinking cups.
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Benefits:
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Trains your brain to process and organize sounds more effectively.
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Improves selective attention, making it easier to focus on specific sounds.
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Enhances communication by strengthening auditory discrimination.
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Savoring
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Objective: Cultivate mindfulness by appreciating everyday sounds.
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Practice: Pay attention to mundane sounds, like the hum of a refrigerator or the rhythm of footsteps. Notice their unique qualities, patterns, and textures.
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Benefits:
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Encourages mindfulness and presence.
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Helps you find beauty and interest in your auditory environment.
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Reduces stress by fostering curiosity about everyday experiences.
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Listening Positions
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Objective: Adapt your listening style to different contexts.
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Practice: Be aware of your listening stance—empathetic, critical, passive—and adjust based on the situation. For example, use empathetic listening in personal conversations and analytical listening in professional settings.
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Benefits:
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Increases flexibility and adaptability in listening.
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Improves understanding by aligning your listening style with the context.
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Nurtures better relationships through empathy and attentiveness.
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RASA Acronym
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Objective: Enhance active listening skills through focused engagement.
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Practice:
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Receive: Pay full attention to the speaker.
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Appreciate: Use small verbal acknowledgments like “hmm” or “okay” to show you’re listening.
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Summarize: Periodically summarize what you’ve heard to confirm understanding. E.g., “So, what you’re saying is…”
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Ask: Ask questions to clarify and deepen understanding.
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Benefits:
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Builds stronger connections and trust.
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Enhances comprehension by actively engaging with the speaker.
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Makes conversations more meaningful and productive.
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The Rewards of Listening
Listening is a skill that benefits both the listener and the speaker. In therapy, it fosters connection and relief. In daily life, it builds trust and understanding.
Improving your listening skills takes effort, but the rewards are worth it. By listening well, you can better connect with others. You can reduce misunderstandings and create more meaningful relationships. Whether through mindful exercises or conscious effort, listening is a skill worth mastering. Both you and others around you benefit.
