Hello. Today we are talking about boundaries. Most people think a boundary is a firm. No, that’s one type. There are actually three, and if you only know the one, you’re missing most of what boundaries actually do. Let me break down all three and show you why this changes everything about how you relate to people.
A boundary is where one person ends and another person begins. Healthy separation with points of contact like that real connection at the edge of a boundary requires flexibility, fluid, attention into myself and back out towards the other. So the three types of boundaries. Number one, protective boundaries.
These are your non-negotiables. The clear No. Regardless of context to context or who’s asking? No thanks. I don’t like zucchini filtering boundaries. These are selective, permeable. You let some input through, but not all useful for feedback. For example, you can consider what works for you and discard what doesn’t.
I’ll take your perspective on this. But I don’t agree with that. Containment boundaries. These are what we keep inside while we process it. Some things need time to process before they’re ready to be shared and expressed. For example, you’re surprised by someone’s behavior, but you’re not ready to talk about it yet.
These can operate simultaneously. You might hold a protective boundary on a topic, not willing to talk about X while maintaining a filtering capacity for related feedback. I’m happy to talk about your frustration that I’m not willing to talk about X while containing the parts that you’re still processing internal.
I’m still processing topic X. So one thing to know a boundary is different from a request. A boundary is choices and behaviors that you do. It doesn’t need anyone else’s participation. A request is when you ask someone to participate in a want or a need, but they can say no when you decide, then you decide what to do instead.
When all three of these types are working, we can stay connected to ourselves and our own needs, including something as simple as a need to go get water, while also attuning to other people in the room and making space for them to pursue their needs. It requires being comfortable communicating when you need to adjust the configuration.
And the ability to accept communication from others about the same, and also being in an environment where it’s safe to communicate that. So an environment free of oppression and abuse. In those environments, we’re gonna be using a lot of containment for better or for worse. For people who have lived with enmeshment, healthy separation can feel like a chasm at first.
Without functional boundaries, they lose themselves. For people who have lived with too much distance contact at the points where two people meet can feel like enmeshment, even when it’s just contact. Without functional boundaries, they deal with chronic sense of loneliness no matter how many people are around.
For someone moving from enmeshment to healthy separation, this can feel like being rude. It can feel lonely at first. There can be guilt about having the boundary, but eventually we start to feel freedom and autonomy and that we’re still connected the more fluid we can be, healthy distance starts to feel really good.
So if we’re going from distant to connected, making that connection across the boundary can feel intrusive, intense, and overwhelming. It’s like a bright light getting shined on your face. There can be fear of becoming trapped. Bracing in the body, like I have to hold up this wall forever to keep people out.
But once that softens, we can start to feel we’re still autonomous independent people, even though we’re also connected, we can interact with this person and then that person and maybe both at the same time. And then we can separate, we can go our separate ways. The work in therapy is. To, first get a clear understanding of how our boundaries are functioning.
Right now, create a clear boundary in the office with a scarf and notice reactions. Once we know how these boundaries are functioning, we can decide if we want to continue on in this way. Then we start to map what we’re learning onto the outside world. Notice what behaviors go with the current mode. And figure out how we want to show up differently.
Therapists are people. We have our own en mesh or distant boundary styles, and we can impose that onto our clients. I have deep, close friendships, and I prefer seeing people in person, but some people really prefer to talk to their friends every day.
Neither of us is wrong. We have different needs. When a client is upset because her friend isn’t calling her every day, I might talk with her about how that might not work for that friend and that she’s well within her right to go find a friend who wants to talk every day. If I hadn’t worked on my biases, I might unconsciously telegraph to her that the need to talk every day is too much.
That would be wrong. Her need is just right for her. When boundaries are working in therapy, we give the client enough space to have their process and lead the experience while also being there to support and steer them towards their goals. Too much distance and the client feels they’re coming in every week talking and not receiving any guidance.
Rapport stalls too enmeshed, and the therapist guides too much. Rushes the client towards positive emotions. Because the distress is uncomfortable or gets the sense that the client needs the therapist more than they actually do. Boundaries aren’t just about protection. They’re the structure that makes real connection possible.
If you only know the no, you’re missing the filter and the container, and those might be the ones you need the most. Thanks for joining me. Please like and subscribe. See you next time.
